A few years back, I was sick and in excruciating intestinal pain from eating
very spicy soup that was affecting my diverticulitis (TMI?). I was laying in bed in absolute agony and had no
thoughts in my mind because all of my attention was on my pain. With my mind empty of thoughts, I had an astonishing realization. The
realization popped into my mind without thinking it or thinking about
anything. It seemed to come out of nowhere. All of a sudden I
realized "I" wasn't who I thought I was. I wasn't what I believed I was. This is much more profound that it first appears to be. Not only does it involve myself, but it involves the entire concept of "I." I realized my concept of identity was a thought, a belief. The idea of I is a concept. "I" wasn't the
identity that "I" believed was me. Identity in that thought form wasn't real. "I" realized "I" wasn't my ego/identity. What I
truly was, wasn't the collection of beliefs of the identity because those were just ideas in the form of beliefs. At that time there was a clarity in my mind
that I haven't experienced before. There was no internal dialogue. No thoughts. My mind was clear without any concepts or beliefs. I was just consciously aware. All the definitions of
the ego were gone and what was left was my Conscious Awareness. At
that moment I was only Conscious Awareness without identity. I (Conscious Awareness) had experienced an epiphany.
The realization didn't come in the form of all the thoughts above. It was very simple, but it came with a wealth of instant understanding. It wasn't just a thought created in my mind. It was a realization of something true -- something true about my being and all of us. It was an experience of existing or being without ego identity. Within that experience of realization a whole new paradigm came with it. In that clarity of mind was a great deal of instant awareness of understanding. I understood that my ego/identity was a collection of beliefs and nothing more. My ego was a concept--an idea, a thought, a belief and that the very concept of that identity was false. It is false because it is a concept--- a concept comprised of beliefs and manufactured with thoughts that are believed. The ego isn't real in terms of an identity. It is identity, but identity isn't what you are. My ego isn't a real self. It is a portrayal of the self. It is a belief in beliefs.
This realization was rather earth shattering for me! Something that I had believed in my entire life was all of a sudden shown not to be true and I could see the truth of it very clearly. I saw the false nature of something very very important to me--myself! Not only that, it goes against a basic fundamental belief of mankind. I hadn't been seeking any kind of self-realization or anything similar. I wasn't seeking anything spiritual or "enlightenment." I had been seeking the nature of belief and the role of the ego/identity with it, but I had no expectations of something like this happening which pretty much explained it all in one brief instant of realization and understanding. All of a sudden I could see the ego/identity as beliefs--nothing but beliefs and its fundamental belief was the belief in itself as being the identity and that itself is responsible for all beliefs. It all made perfect sense to me even though it is a grand paradox. The ego/identity is the believer and it maintains itself with beliefs. I also clearly saw how our judgments, opinions, evaluations, thoughts, decisions, etc. were all beliefs or based on beliefs. I saw how incredibly biased our ego/identity was and how it skewed our reality with its beliefs and perceptions based on its beliefs. I saw how our beliefs keep us from being aware of what actually is what we truly are.
For many this would appear to be unsettling at the very least. In a way, my reality that I had governed my entire life on had just been pulled out from underneath me. Also, all of my beliefs were shown to be pretty much worthless. Instead of being unsettling, just the opposite happened. Along with that realization came euphoria. I was ecstatic. Without contemplating it, I also was aware that the implications of this realization were phenomenal. It was truly a whole new paradigm that opened up endless new possibilities. I was in a state of euphoria for weeks after. It may have been the single most significant moment in my life besides my birth. I've come in contact with people that have had a very similar experience and it was equally significant for them as well. The experience I had is an experience that many people have had and in no way unique to me except for the circumstances. Those people also understand everything I'm writing here--they are aware of it as well and they are aware of it through the same experience of realization that they are not their identity. I wish for everyone to have this experience for it is an experience of the true self and it is truly remarkable.
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